If a child was teased in front of others at a young age, the child will probably carry the wounds in the heart along with anxiety for the rest of life. Let me ask you some questions. Have you ever heard at school that somebody was labeled as “stupid”, “idiot”, “retarded”, “trash”, “four eyes”, “chubby chaser”, or “teacher’s pet”, …etc.? A child with developmental deficits, deformities or who is over-weight can be an easy target to be teased. I remember a long time ago a teen-aged girl jumped down from San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge because she was mocked as over-weight at school. As for the highly ranked schools, the more bright a child is thought to be, the more popular the child will be.
Do you know if a child was teased at home, the child would most likely transfer the shame by teasing other children at school? Children can be very cruel merely during the elementary years, however parents (or caregivers) and older siblings are usually the people who deliver the cruelest teasing of all.
Dear friends, do you know every child was created unique in God’s way? In the Bible, Psalm 139: 13-14, it says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” In God’s eyes, every child was His wonderful creation, however humans started to ruin this holy point of view. When sin first came into Adam and Eve, unconditional love and acceptance of self seemed to be the hardest task for all humankind.
“Our schools display an enormous bias in educating the mind rather than the whole person. We place major emphasis on reasoning, logic, and math, with almost no concern for emotions, intuition, and creativity.”said John Bradshaw. You also may have already known the grading system in America is A-F. A represents excellence and F associates with failure. At school, when somebody gets a “F”, others will likely associate a “bad” grade with being a bad or defective person. A straight-A student will get the most applause both at school and at home. More often than not, as soon as the straight-A students are no longer the stars and superachievers, they are plagued by deep feelings of shame and guilt. In the meantime, self-denial is likely to occur.
“Denial is the result of the child believing he is bad and idealizing the family or parents.” said John Bradshaw, and Alice Miller said “Depression is the defense against the deep pain over the loss of the self that results from denial.” “Most serious depression originates in self-hate and is an unconscious effort to shut off feelings. Depression is not an emotion, but results from the shutting down of feelings, to avoid feeling.” said Cecil G. Osborne. Dear friends, do you know a paradoxical fact that many good, kind, devoted parents abandon their own children? Do you know why many highly gifted, superachieving and successful people are driven by a deep-seated chronic depression? Why?
As children, if we were loved for our performance or achievements, rather than for ourselves, our true selves were abandoned. Psychologists think that any forms of abuse are abandonment. There are various forms of abuse: physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse,…etc. Emotional abuse can be universal in many places. Now you may have known the reason why people suffer from depression. In fact, ordinary people or the highly achieved and gifted people can suffer from severe depression, because depression is about the lost and abandoned child within.
For the following articles, we’re going to have further discussions on a few case studies of perfectionism as well as testimonies and then move on to the other topics, such as abuse, addictions, marriage, family, work, parenting,…etc. I wish to give you a clearer picture about how our original family system influences our relationships with our spouse, children, and God. As for the next article right after this one, let me particularly tell you how to enter the self-help praying and healing process. In the Bible, Psalm 147: 3, it says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Let God be your listener, judge, and healer.
Many people before the healing said, “I had a very good childhood. My parents loved me.”, but in many cases they report after the healing, “I never knew how much hurt and damage loving parents can cause, and I can see myself now doing the same thing to my own children.” Neither we nor our parents are perfect. We don’t mean to solely blame our parents. On the contrary, it says in the Bible, “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you,” Deuteronomy 5:16. It’s very essential to know that to honor our parents (including in-laws) is God’s command to us and when we obey God’s rule, we get God’s blessings. However, I truly understand, for some people, it’s very difficult for them to love their parents.
Occasionally, some people asked me with the same questions: “Since those things happened long ago in childhood, why don’t we just trust God and move forward by faith now?” “We are adults now, no longer children. Why don’t we live in the present? Why do we have to dig the old wounds out?” I think the problem is: although all the events happened in the past, the hurts are still in the person now. As a matter of fact, nothing is ever lost and can be completely forgotten. The dozens or hundreds of hurting memories have been buried deep in the unconscious mind. Therefore, problems cannot be solved with words, but only through re-experiencing the ancient pains. The ancient pains must be relived and can be relieved! Then the roots which have caused the problems can be cast out.
Do you know the work of the Holy Spirit can guide us to retrieve the repressive memories buried in the unconscious mind? Do you know God will give you the power of forgiveness to forgive people who hurt you, such as your parents, teachers, or classmates,etc….? You can truly forgive your parents, others, yourself, and even God through healing. Until you truly forgive God, the work of forgiveness can’t be done. In the Bible, it says, “A man’s own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the Lord.”—–Proverbs 19:3. Maybe now you’re going to defend yourself on the issue of being against the Lord. You would think God is perfect and has done nothing wrong, how can you complain anything about Him? However, even if you’re a good Christian, you can cry, and ask God from your heart, “If You are a good Heavenly Father, how could You let this happen to me? Why me? It’s not fair. Where were You when I needed You?”
I hope you eventually understand God is good all the time. He never forsakes us. He’s waiting for you to come back. Wish you a nice weekend and see you next time!