If Today Is Your Last Day, What Will You Do Today?

Hi there,

First off, I’d like to say my greetings to the old and new viewers who had been reading my posts since the site was started three years ago. In addition, I particularly, say my thanks to those who voluntarily gave referrals to other people for knowing my site. Thanks again for your efforts to share the Good News ( Jesus Christ ) to your family members, friends, or co-workers…. May the Lord’s peace and grace be with all of you!

Our topic for today: “If today is your last day, what will you do today?” Does the question make you nervous ? Or does it sound offensive to you? I’m sorry if the question let you feel uncomfortable. Please don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to offend anybody.  Actually, this is just a question I had started thinking about when I became a Christian at my college years. The question seemed crazy, right? There two more crazy things which I did at that time were I wrote a brochure on this topic and distributed more than thirty copies of the brochures to my classmates. After that, there several of my classmates went with me to the Campus Christian Fellowship. Praise the Lord! My best friend came back to the Lord eventually after she wandered for a while as a believer just like some other Christians did.

Luke 12:16-20 Jesus said The Parable of the Rich Fool: And He told them this parable: “The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, ‘What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.’ 

“Then he said, ‘This is what I’ll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I’ll say to myself, “You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.”‘ 

“But God said to him, ‘You fool! this very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'”

We may be busy with many stuffs day by day, year after year such as works, schools, activities, children, friends, parents,…etc. May be struggling with a lot of things or relationships in our lives, right? I don’t mean we can’t make plans. Plans are very important, but have to be allowed by God. We also have to work hard to make a living, don’t we? I don’t mean we can’t enjoy our lives, either. I know that God wants us to be joyful. I just suggest you think about who is the real MASTER in your life today. It is true that nobody knows when is our last day on earth no matter we are very young or very old, very rich or very poor, very healthy or very ill today. Only God knows our day because He decides it!

So now would you like to think twice of this question then? “If today is your last day, what will you do today?” You may still have a very long list to do, right? You may wish you can have plenty of  time to finish the long list, however, you may not have enough time to finish everything today before today ends anyway. Have you ever thought about how to face Jesus if you leave the world today? Are you still wandering around as a believer in God’s kingdom? Or you’re still not sure what Jesus Christ means to you today?

Matthew 6:12 Jesus taught us how to pray: Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. In the Bible, there were so many times talking about the point of Forgive.  To Forgive means to gives up all claims on debtors. In Matthew 6:12, Jesus taught us to ask forgiveness from the Heavenly Father just as we also have forgiven our debtors. This verse is a relationship recovery prayer. One angle of the relationship is between us and the Heavenly Father; the other angle is between us and other people. In the following paragraph I’m going to tell you a real story which was about how a young sister asked the forgiveness from the Lord, and how her disease was indeed healed by the Lord immediately!

I was engaged in a three-day prayer meetings several years ago. A newly married young lady came to the meeting and prayed among us. The host pastor asked the young sister to fast the first day and asked her to come back to pray the second day. So the sister did what the pastor told her. At the second day, before the meeting began, the sister came and prayed alone by herself, and right in the meeting she shared with us saying her disease was totally healed. She told us when she prayed all of a sudden she understood how she sinned against the Lord, therefore, she asked the Lord to forgive her sins. Her pain was gone right away! Although in the beginning,  she was kind of reluctant to say what was wrong with herself before, finally she was so brave enough to say the testimony for the Lord.

The testimony: This young lady was a Christian and she knew she had a strong desire to marry a man who had the same belief as she had, so she prayed for a few years for her marriage, hoping the Lord Jesus to bring the right man to her. Eventually she met her right man! They loved each other so much that they had often had physical intimacy, such as kissing and physical caressing but except for sexual intercourse. The man and woman married after they had dated for a year, and then they happily went on their honeymoon. This couple stayed at one resort in Bali for a week. They did everything just as any other couple would do at the resort. After enjoying their vacation in Bali for a week , they came back home, and the wife felt herself ill. They immediately went to see a obstetrician. After the diagnosis, the doctor said she was infected by Human Papilloma Virus (HPV.)  That report was a big shock to this newly married couple! The doctor suggested her to accept the treatment, so she did. However, she didn’t feel well after the operation, she felt pain every day especially when she walked. That pain bothered her so much that she had always to see her doctor. Every time when the doctor checked her, her pain was gone right away, so the doctor saw nothing wrong with her. This pain resulted in her continuing to consult so many different doctors’ opinions in two years. None of the doctors figured out anything wrong with her operation. That pain also caused her unable to be pregnant normally as they wished they could have a beloved baby. The pain was not stopped until she totally understood she should be holy because the Lord is Holy. ( 1 Peter 1:15-16 But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.” ) She understood that she shouldn’t do the physical intimacy out of the marriage relationship! She knew that she committed the sin against God. Her pain was ceased and healed right after she asked the forgiveness for her own sin from the Lord Jesus Christ. This couple got their first beautiful and healthy baby the following year. Thanks and praise to the Lord! The Lord didn’t let them wait too long!

Please don’t get me wrong.  I don’t try to say that all the diseases are the consequences of committing sins. Some of them probably are, but some of them not. I don’t know why some people committed adultery, but they are still fine every day. I just know the Lord Jesus is the God full of love and mercy. I also know if the Lord Jesus judges people according to what people did today,  no one can stand it!

John 8:3-11: The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do You say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing Him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with His finger. When they kept on questioning Him, He straightened up and said to them “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said. “Then neighter do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Dear friends,

If today God’s Word touches your heart,  you know you have to repent on something in front of the Lord, please ask God’s forgiveness right away. Seize the opportunity to reconcile with the Lord  God Jesus, because TODAY may not repeat itself again! If you’re willing to know more about our Savior Jesus, or get to know how He saves us and heals us, please check my previous posts to get more information.

If God allows, we will talk about another angle of relationship recovery later which is between us and other people.

Blessings!

Miriam White

 

 

 

Posted in Christian Inner Child Healing, Christianity, family, God, Holistic Healing, Holy Spirit, Inner Child Healing, Jesus Christ, life, Marriage, Out of Depression, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

How to Get Healed from Rejection——(2)

Hello all,

It’s my pleasure and God’s blessing to let me serve you in the past year. This site has begun since last July from the zero view daily through a few thousands of views in the whole past year. The viewers have come from about half of the countries of the globe. I understand that there are still plenty of room to grow on this site in many ways. However, I’ve realized that God has His own timing and wonderful plan, we’d better learn to follow His footprints. Just keep on praying and see how the Lord is going to lead us in the future. Thanks again for God’s grace letting us share His Word and Truth here together and giving us the opportunity to experience His supernatural power of healing and transformation. In the second year, from August, I’ll spend more time praying for the folks’ needs instead of writing more articles although I still like to write, thus send me e-mails on Mondays if you need extra praying support on your inner child healing. At this second stage, I wish we all get to know more of the Lord, experience more of His power and learn to love Him more day by day!

If I’m asked a question, “How to get healed by the Lord?”, I’m going to say a motto, “Never give up!” because it says in the Holy Bible, “Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'”……Matthew 19:26 And, if I’m asked a question, “What’s the purpose of getting healed by the Lord?”, I’ll answer, “To serve the Lord and people.” for it says in the Holy Bible, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”…….2 Corinthians: 1:3-4 Please make sure you fully understand above what God’s Word is telling you, and I believe that ultimately you’ll get healed by the Lord.  

To serve the Lord and people doesn’t necessarily mean a person has to be a pastor, or a missionary,…etc in the world. In other words, it indeed means that a Jesus’ follower (disciple) will do what the Lord has done in the world, and the Lord’s disciple will serve the Lord and people no matter what the occupation of the disciple does in the world.

Have you ever read the book called “Life Without Limits” from Nick Vujicic? If you haven’t yet, I’d like to recommend the book for you today. When Nick was born, he had no arms or legs. In the book, Nick shares how his faith in God has been his central source of strength. Ultimately, Nick overcomes his disability to live an independent, rich, fulfilling life, becoming a model for anyone seeking true happiness. Now he is the internationally successful speaker, and he spreads his central message: the most important goal for anyone is to find their life’s purpose despite whatever difficulties or seemingly impossible odds stand  in their way.

Nick truly believes his life has no limits. He wants you to feel the same way about your life, no matter what your challenges may be. Dear friends, start today to know who the Lord Jesus is and let Him heal your heart and mind, you can get out of your bondage, too.

Last time we’ve talked about the topic of fantasy bond. According to Robert Firestone’s point of view, I’d like to list a few steps about how to break into the fantasy bond.

He said, “There are a number of steps that individual partners can initiate to break into the fantasy bond they have formed with each other. Partners can:”
(1) admit the existence of a fantasy bond. Stop denying that they have become distant and their actions are no longer loving
(2) reveal feelings of anger, hostility, and withholding patterns and admit critical, hostile attitudes toward themselves and their partner
(3) face the psychological pain and sadness involved in attempting to reestablish intimacy
(4) expose their fears of individuation and separation, including the fear of loss or death of their partner as well as their own death
(5) move toward independence and respect for each other and establish true equality. Disrupt reciprocal patterns of dominance, submission, and defiance
(6) develop a non-defensive posture toward feedback and an open and honest style of communication                                                                                                                                    (7) move toward increased interaction with others–extend circle of family and friends to provide better reality testing

Robert Firestone concluded that positive change takes place only when the fantasy bond in the original family is investigated and its reestablishment is challenged in the current relationship. As fantasy bonds were understood and relinquished, the individuals in a relationship manifest new energy, self-possession, and vitality and are able to become loving companions and allies.

In the book “Excuse me…Your Rejection is Showing”, the author specifically addressed the issue of inheritance rejection. Be aware that some issues came from your parents or grandparents, e.g. the evil spirit coming from certain meetings which people attend; rage; violence; doubt; unbelief,….etc. A wounded heart will also open the door for the evil  spirits to oppress you. The evil spirits aren’t able to possess Christians, however, Christians are the primary targets for being oppressed by them.

The Lord Jesus can set people free from the bondage of the demons. It says in the Holy Bible, “When the sun was setting, the people brought to Jesus all who had various kinds of sickness, and laying His hands on each one, He healed them. Moreover, demons came out of many people, shouting, ‘You are the Son of God!’… ” …….Luck 4:40-41 Jesus also sat the example for His disciples and commanded them to follow Him. It says, “Jesus went up on a mountainside and called to Him those He wanted, and they came to Him. He appointed twelve—-designated them apostles—that they might be with Him and that He might send them out to preach and to have authority to drive out demons.”…….Mark 3:13-15

A real spiritual healing is usually coming after the release from the oppression. Pray that you are healed from rejection and get true freedom soon.

God bless,

Miriam White

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How to Get Healed from Rejection?……(1)

The book “Excuse me…your rejection is showing”  by Noel & Phyl Gibson wrote that the cause and root of rejection came from Satan. The first human’s family on earth was the family of Adam, Eve, Cain and Abel. After the serpent tempted and lied to the woman Eve, the destructive effect had came into the world. The serpent, basically was the Devil, and that was Satan itself. The Lord God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden because sin had caused the rejection. Since then, the humans became the rejected sinners, and they started to use “rejection” to attack others or even God. Nevertheless, God had a redemption plan for the human beings. Jesus, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world! It said in the Holy Bible, “For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.” ……..1 Peter:18-19   

The book which I’ve mentioned above also addressed detailed self-rejection syndrome, i.e. depression, low self-esteem, fear of failure, anxiety, fear of being abandoned, fear of death, fear of being cheated, and no hope,…etc. As for encountering the fear of being rejected, people would develop a series of ways to face it, i.e. competition, loneliness, greed, isolation, self- protection, grandiosity, envy, lie, manipulation, judgment, oppression, pride, criticism, and perfectionism,…etc. The attack responses of being rejected were listed, i..e. rejecting others, rejecting of being comforted, anger, quarrelling, fighting, cursing, stubbornness, suspicion, …etc. We’ll share about how to be set free from the bondage of rejection through the prayer in the next article.

 Rejection

Now, let’s switch the point to the fantasy bond. There was an article, “The Fantasy Bond: A substitute for a truly loving relationship” published on Dec.5,  2008 in The Human Experience by Robert Firestone, Ph.D.  Robert Firestone was also the author of the book called The Fantasy Bond. In this particular article, it mentioned that most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective and at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond. This illusion of connection and closeness allows them to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance. Destructive fantasy bonds, which exist in a large majority of relationships, greatly reduce the possibility couples achieving intimacy.

Then, let’s say more about how has the fantasy bond been formed? According to Dr. Robert Firestone’s point of view,  people’s compulsion to relive the past with new relationships i.e., to form illusory connections that invariably lead to a reenactment of defensive styles of interacting developed in childhood. This process of reverting to outmoded defense patterns interferes with the establishment of secure and satisfying adult relationships characterized by feelings of humanity, compassion, and equality. Once a fantasy bond is formed, individuals prefer to maintain a defensive posture rather than trusting and investing genuine feeing in others. Once having been hurt, they are reluctant to take a chance again and this defensive pattern has an insidious effect on couple and family relations.

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Dr. Robert Firestone also thought that men and women are most likely to become romantically involved at a stage in their lives where they are breaking dependent emotional ties with their families and experiencing a sense of separateness and independence. As they reach out and risk more of themselves emotionally, they tend to attract others with their vitality and enthusiasm. In the first stages of the relationship, they tend to let down their defenses and are open and vulnerable. While this state of being in love is volatile and exciting, at the same time it can be frightening. The fear of loss or abandonment as well as the poignant sadness often evoked by positive emotions may become difficult to tolerate, especially for those who have suffered from a lack of love in their early lives. At the point these individuals begin to feel anxious or frightened, they retreat from feeling close, gradually giving up the most valued aspects of their relationships, forming a fantasy bond.

We’re going to tell you in the next article about a couple of steps offered by Dr. Robert Firestone to break into the fantasy bond formed with each other.

Now, here comes the most exciting part of today ! There is a lady’s brief testimony about her inner child transformation to share with you as follows:

“I was a depressed , lonely, and anxious person before. It was hard for me to make a good relationship with other people including my own family members. I always felt people rejecting me and I always thought myself not good enough comparing to others, even it was not actually true. More often than not,  in the sleep, I dreamed myself a lot of time becoming a rescuer, a scholar, or a billionaire in order to win the respect from people. After I woke up, I felt sad again because I was still the ‘old self.’ Being a Christian, I was so sorry to say I didn’t feel there’s a meaning and hope for me to live in this world. Gradually, I had compulsively developed a couple of addictions within me. But, thank the Lord Jesus, He didn’t forsake me! He sent his servant to reach me and let me understand the inner child healing work. Although it was a long healing process, the Lord Jesus not only healed my co-dependence but also sat me free from the bondage of the addictions. Praise the Lord! Not only this, through the creative prayer, I’m not scared any longer to face the people who I before felt they looked down on me. Besides, the relationship with my parents has recovered since they has been transformed by the Lord’s healing power, too. Now, I feel I’m totally free and able to be the person that God wants me to be. There’s a ‘new self’ within me!”

The above testimony was a true story. Thank God for letting me to team up with Him to help the lady. Praise the Lord Jesus for He is the living God and He understands our needs and is ready to help us as long as we’re willing to come near Him.

Then, how to apply the creative prayer? The creative prayer especially works for getting rid of fear within you.  When you got hurt, you might be afraid of facing the person or the thing again that had disturbed you. However, try to apply the creative prayer right after you’ve dealt with your grief work (Please check my previous articles to see how to proceed the grief work, ) you may surprisingly get good outcome. For example, praying to the Holy Spirit of God to bring you back to the past, let the original situation appear, at the moment of facing to the person or the thing again, and asking the Lord Jesus, “Where are you, Lord? or What are you doing, Lord? This person or the thing (name them) is threatening (or xxx else) me now!” In this quiet prayer, the Lord Jesus will reveal the answer for you. People would usually get relieved after they’ve seen the presence of the Lord in this particular prayer.

Dear friends, if you’re touched by the Holy Spirit of God now, and you’re interested in learning more about the Lord Jesus and His healing power, please don’t hesitate to contact us, or take a look of my previous articles which will guide you to know the Savior better.

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”……2 Corinthians 3:17

Blessings,

Miriam White

Posted in addictions, Christian Inner Child Healing, Christianity, co-dependence, family, God, Health, Holistic Healing, Holy Spirit, Inner Child Healing, Jesus Christ, life, Marriage, Mental Health, Out of Depression, Parenting, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Is co-dependence the core addictiveness?—–The Lord Jesus can heal you! (2)

First of all, thank you for sending the comments and questions to the site in the past month. May God bless you, your work in Him and His Holy Spirit guide you to know Him day by day. I’d like to answer two questions here before we move on to today’s topic. Q1: “Is baptism important and necessary for Christians?” According to God’s Word, the answer is definitely “YES.” “Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? We were therefore buried with Him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was  raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.” ——Romans 6: 3-4  Being baptized in public denotes that we died to sin, and have united with Christ Jesus in His resurrection. Baptism for Christians is a commitment and announcement. It is the Great Commission as well. “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of age.”——Matthew 28:19-20  Q2: “Can Mary or other saints such as Peter, Paul, John or James…, etc. save you when you worship them or pray to them?” The answer is definitely “NOT.” For it said in the Holy Bible, “then know this, you and all the people of Israel: It is by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified but whom God raised from the dead, that man stands before you healed. He is ‘the stone you builders rejected, which has become the capstone.’ Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved.”——Acts 4:10-12 Jesus Christ is our only Savior!

In addition to the above two questions, I’d like to remind our viewers to be wary of the false prophets or teachings. “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.”—–Matthew 7:15; “But there were also false prophets among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you. They will secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the sovereign Lord who bought them—bringing swift destruction on themselves.”—–2 Peter 2:1 We’ve been encouraging our viewers to read God’s Word consistentently because then we won’t believe in the deceitful teachings. “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming.”——-Ephesians 4:14 If there is a belief or teaching which believes that only New Testament or Old Testament is about the truth, that being said, only believes half of the Holy Bible, what do you think about it? Some of the beliefs deems Jesus as a god, and also believes any human can be a god some day by good deeds. How do you think about it? Do you know what’s wrong with these teachings? Let’s remember what God said in the Holy Bible: “and how—- you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,…” 2 Timothy 3:15-16; “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—  and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.”—–Ephesians 2:8-9

1. Self awareness: the first step of the healing

Surrender! Choose a therapist or an interactive group to assist you getting out of the addictions first. I believe some people need help from the professionals. There is a simple criteria for you when you’re looking for the formal therapy. Ask yourself : Do you feel safe with this person or group? Can you reveal yourself without being shamed? Some people said they had been shamed by therapists and by groups. Then do they know how to treat co-dependence?…etc.

2. Treat the co-dependence—the core of compulsivity

Dr. Timmen Cermak writes:

“The primary purpose of a long-term interactive group is to provide a setting in which the issues of co-dependency emerge spontaneously….Interactive group therapy works best when members discover themselves behaving inside the group much as they do in real life—being distrustful, controlling their feelings, sacrificing their own needs to ensure that others are taken care of, revealing only carefully chosen parts of themselves…then they finally understand that those behaviors reflect habitual and unconscious patterns, the group can become a laboratory for experimenting with alternative behaviors.”

I truly believe that all of us who identify ourselves as co-dependent will have to go through some kind of grief process if we want to be free of our compulsivity. The Lord Jesus can heal you through letting you experience and feel your original wound and His power can set you free from your compulsivity! Need to know how? Please check my previous articles.

3. Forgiveness

We need to forgive ourselves and forgive our parents.  Actually, a good loving relationship  is healing. Somebody once said, “Love is nature’s psychotherapy.” I understand forgiveness needs power. Pray to the Lord for giving you the power to forgive and love the people who hurt you before.

Mother’s day has just passed and Father’s day is approaching around the corner. Being a father or mother at your family, would you be willing to ask the forgiveness from your children when you’ve acknowledged you hurt them before? This is the beginning of the healing. It’s never too late to take actions!!!

The next following articles, we’re going to spend some time on different topics such as rejection, fantasy bond, creative prayer,….etc. Please also share your testimony with us if you have experienced any inner child healing from the Lord. Just feel free to e-mail me your story. Thanks.

Blessings,

Miriam White

“I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them, I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be their God.”—–Ezekiel 11:19-20

Posted in addictions, Christian Inner Child Healing, Christianity, co-dependence, family, God, Health, Holistic Healing, Holy Spirit, Inner Child Healing, Jesus Christ, life, Marriage, Mental Health, Out of Depression, Parenting, Physical abuse, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Is co-dependence the core addictiveness?—–The Lord Jesus can heal you! (1)

In the book of “The Family”, John Bradshaw said that co-dependency can be understood as a characteristic of an adult who is contaminated by childish dependency needs. The reason almost everyone identifies with many characteristics of co-dependency is that the monarchial patriarchal rules (the poisonous pedagogy) created an environment wherein children could not get their developmental dependency needs met. When children are nurtured properly, their developmental dependency needs are, on some level, met. This is never achieved perfectly, but certainly in a manner that allows them to grow into adulthood with a certain degree of autonomy. When these dependency needs are not met, children become adults with a child’s “neediness.” This is the general meaning of what is described by the words “adult child.” A co-dependent person is an adult with mild to severe developmental deficits.

He also mentioned that we humans have a built-in protection system that allows us to defend ourselves against stress. When a threat actually occurs in the forms of abandonment, the person responds with survival behaviors. Such behaviors include denial, dissociation, repression, withdrawal (flight responses) or anger, identification with the persecutor, and reactive and reenacting behavior (flight responses.) Survival behaviors are hard to give up. They are old friends that served us well. We did survive. But we survived by developing a kind of power that resulted from sacrificing ourselves. We learned to control people by becoming Caretakers, Stars, Heroes and Heroines, or by being Lost Children, Perfect, the Probem, the Rebel, or the Scapegoat. We were Surrogate Spouses, our Parent’s Parent, Little Parents, etc. In these early role decisions, we developed  a dependency on things outside ourselves to the point of self-neglect. We gave up our own reality in order to take care of our parents or the needs of the family system. In short, we survived by abandoning our true selves.  

Children who usually need their parents’ time, attention and direction for at least the first 15 years of their lives. When they don’t get it, they are abandoned. Abandonment sets up compulsivity. Since the children’s needs aren’t met by the parents, they have an inner emptiness, and this drives their compulsivity. The children look for more and more love, attention, praise, booze, money, etc.

John Bradshaw also thought that compulsivity is a more comprehensive term than addiction. Compulsivity comes closer to meaning “addictiveness.”  Addictiveness is the  inner emptiness we try to fill up with any mood-altering behavior. The word addiction has often been limited to chemical substances like alcohol, nicotine and other drugs that have their own inherent addictive properties. There are many types of nonchemical addction. Activities such as gambling, sexing, working, eating, and starving can also be fullfledged addictions. The common root of every addiction is compulsivity understood as addictiveness.

Compulsivity is set up by the kinds of abandonment. Healing the unresolved grief (original or ancient pain ) resulting from abandonment is the way to heal compulsivity. The Lord Jesus can heal your pain and set you totally free from the bondage of compulsivity! It’s written in the Holy Bible: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)

John Bradshaw also believed that co-dependence is the disease of today. All addictions are rooted in co-dependence. We are co-dependent because we’ve lost our solid sense of self. In the activity addictions it is easier to see the co-dependence. Severely co-dependenct people have internalized shame and strong feelings of low-worth. Co-dependents try to make themsevles indispensable by taking care of others. They are willing to do whatever it takes to be loved or worthwhile. Co-dependents often choose professions of caretaking and financial achievement, throwing themselves into their work to the point of workaholism and burnout.

Thank the Lord that He had ever letted me to help a person who addicted herself to reading. She could not sleep but read at night compulsively and could hardly fall asleep every night. The addiction to reading books to her was the mood-altering behavior. In the process of praying, I acknowledged that the lady served as the co-dependent person in her family system, and she had internalized shame and strong feelings of low-worth about herself. Through the inner child healing and transformation, the Lord Jesus has set her free indeed! She has found her true self back. Praise the Lord!

There’s one thing for us to be aware is that we have to really deem the co-dependence as the core addictiveness. That said, without getting healed from the co-dependence, the person may not trully get rid of the addictions. As you may have known, John Bradshaw was raised at an alcoholic family. After himself was recovering from alcoholism, he was still acutely compulsive. His compulsivity was causing life-damaging consequences. He was working, buying, smoking and eating compulsively. Then he realized that he must seek further treatment for his still-addicted personality.

John Bradshaw offered the road map for the recovering. He thought the only way out of the compulsive/addictive shame cycle is to embrace the shame. That is what it means to surrender. He had also said that for him the disease (co-dependence) had to wait until he dealt with its cover-up, his alcoholism. For him, this point is crucial. He continually mentioned that for any acting-out substance abuser, the use of the substance has to be stopped before you can treat the co-dependence (the disease of the disease). Alcoholism is caused by drinking alcohol. Alcoholism is a primary disease. That means it has to be treated first. The same is true for other drugs and chemicals.

As for food, sex, work and people addictions, he thought the recovering path are somewhat different. People can’t just stop eating, drinking, sexing, working or relating to people completely. Total abstinence would bring death to self and the species. Each addiction has its own particular nuances for recovery, but there are some commonalities. One commonality is surrendering the grandiose will.

Dear friends, I wish you will ultimately learn how unhealthy rules of behavior are passed down from parents to children, and the destructive effect this process has on our society. If you’re not yet familiar with who Jesus is and how He can heal you, please take a look at my previous articles which can help you get further knowledge about it.

Next time, there will be some suggestions and follow-up offered on the topic of addictions. Fantasy bond and creative prayer will be mentioned as well. Should you have questions on the process of inner child healing and transformation, just feel free to contact me.

God bless you,

Miriam White

“For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost.”——Luke 3:10

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Posted in addictions, Christian Inner Child Healing, Christianity, co-dependence, family, God, Health, Holistic Healing, Holy Spirit, Inner Child Healing, Jesus Christ, life, Mental Health, Out of Depression, Parenting, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 43 Comments

For Your Own Good——-“Poisonous Pedagogy” ?

I received a question from a viewer asking why her inner child hasn’t been touched and healed.  I think about the question over and over again and doubt whether she’s still in the beliefs of  “Poisonous Pedagogy.” The Swiss world renowned psychiatrist Alice Miller wrote a book called “For Your Own Good” and she grouped those parenting rules under the title “Poisonous Pedagogy.” Before we talk further about those poisonous parenting rules, I guess we may just start from doing a few self-image tests today. 

There are four parts of the tests including (1) Are you afraid of failures? (2) Are you afraid of rejections? (3) Do you feel guilty? (4 ) Do you often feel shameful? Ten questions will be included in each part. If your answer for every question is “very often”, then the score for the question will be “1”. “Often” will be given as “2”. “Usually” will be “3”.  “Sometimes” is “4”.  “Seldom” is “5”. “Very rare” is “6”.  And, “Never” will be scored as “7”.

Part 1

(     ) 1.  I always try to avoid to join some activities.

(     )2.  I feel nervous and anxious when I feel I’ll fail or things aren’t going what I expect.

(     )3.  I’m afraid of making mistakes.

(     )4.  I often feel worried about a lot of stuffs.

(     )5.  I like to do things perfectly.

(     )6.  I feel depressed when I fail.

(     )7.  I always examine how I fail.

(     )8.  Under some situation, I tell myself I’ll never end without success.

(     )9.  I don’t know where some anxiety came from.

(     )10.Despite what my friends said I’ll have great achievement in the future,  I just doubt about it.

Calculate:

Score 57-70:  You totally understand God’s unconditional love and acceptance. You’re not a person who’s afraid of failures.

Score 47-56:  You seldom feel troubled or anxious although sometimes you fail.

Score 37-46:  You feel very troubled once you’re discouraged.

Score 27-36:  You’re often worried of failures. You seldom have happiness, and you’re nervous all the time.

Score 0-26:    You have to build a good relationship with God, since you’re always at the fear and depression of repeating failures in your daily life. Let the Lord change your life and heal you heart!

Part 2

(     ) 1.  I avoid some certain people.

(     ) 2.  I feel nervous when I feel I’m disliked by others.

(     ) 3.  I feel uncomfortable when I get together with those people whose opinions or personalities are different from mine.

(    ) 4.  I feel troubled when I face to the people who aren’t friendly to me.

(    )5.  My friends said that I’m unsociable.

(    )6.  I don’t agree with people about how they get things done.

(    )7.  I do something to please others.

(    )8.  I feel uncomfortable and discouraged when I hear the criticism on me from other people.

(    )9.  I’ll guess how people feel about me.

(    )10. I don’t understand people and don’t know their motives behind them.

Calculate:

Score 57-70: You’re not afraid of being rejected since you have a good self-image. You totally understand God’s unconditional love and acceptance.

Score 47-56: You seldom feel troubled or anxious although sometimes you’re under the situation of being rejected.

Score: 37-46: You feel very troubled when you face to the people who aren’t friendly to you or their opinions are different from yours.

Score: 27-36: You care a lot about how people think about you, therefore, you’re not happy and you’re nervous all the time.

Score: 0-26: You’re a person who are extremely afraid of being rejected. Due to the fear of being rejected, you’re always in the great depression. You have to build a good relationship with God. Let the Lord change you and heal your self-image.

Part 3

(    )1.   I’m often in the worry of how God will be against me.

(    )2.  I often think whether God will be angry with me if I don’t do things well.

(    )3.  When somebody falls in the great difficulty, I usually think the person must have done something bad to make him (her) reap what he (she) sowed.

(    )4.  When I’m not doing well, I think it must be God who is punishing me.

(    )5.  I’ll punish myself on purpose when I mess up doing something.

(    )6.  When somebody messes up something, I usually punish them.

(    )7.  When I see somebody does something bad, I’ll be angry with God and arguing why HE doesn’t punish him (her).

(    )8.  I’m good at finding other people’s faults.

(    )9.  I feel God is rigid.

(    )10.I’ll correct people without any hesitation once they make mistakes.

Calculate:

Score 57-70: You have a good self-image. Although you sometimes make mistakes, you totally understand God’s unconditional love and acceptance and His grace is enough for you.

Score 47-56: You feel uncomfortable once a while in making mistakes , however, you seldom feel very troubled or anxious in making mistakes.

Score 37-46: You feel very troubled and uncomfortable when you make mistakes.

Score 27-36: You’re very afraid of making mistakes. You don’t feel happy at all and you have no peace within you because you think God will punish you if you make mistakes.

Score 0-26:  You think God is so harsh that He oversees you every second, and He will catch you and punish you once you make mistakes. You are very depressed. You have to build a good relationship with God.  Let the Lord help you and heal your self-image.

Part 4

(    )1.  I often think about the past failures and people who didn’t like me.

(    )2.  I feel shameful, angry and sad when I think about something happened in the past.

(     )3.  It seems that I often make the same mistake.

(     )4.  I always want to quit some bad habits and change my personality, but it hardly improve.

(     )5.  I always feel I’m not good than other people.

(     )6.  I feel bad on my shape and looking.

(     )7.  I sometimes dislike myself.

(     )8.  Those things happened in my childhood keep on bothering me.

(     )9.  I’m a person of no virtue.

(     )10.I think I may have no achievement in my life.

Calculate

Score 57-70: You have a very good self-image. You understand God’s love. Those things have happened in the past can’t influence how you deem yourself now, because you totally realize God has accepted you to be one of His children unconditionally.

Score 47-56: You seldom feel very troubled or anxious though you feel uncomfortable once a while about the past events.

Score 37-46: You feel very troubled or uncomfortable about some past events.

Score 27-36: You aren’t happy and have no peace in your mind since you feel very shameful and anxious about those things happened in your past life.

Score 0-26:  You can’t forget the past. You were deeply hurt in the past. You have to build a good relationship with God. Let the Lord get you out of the depression and rebuild the new self-image for you.

The pioneer of family therapy,  Murray Bowen thought that although the original family had brought substantial influences on family individuals, the individuals had to take his (her) own responsibility. In addition, He thought When a person was no longer a helpless child, then the person was not passive and could have the ability to change himself (herself) and have more impacts on the dysfunctional family system. He also said that a person’s real change came from knowing his (her) own original family.

As a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, I agree that the “past” can’t determine the “present” and the “future” ; the “past” can only have influence on the “present” and the “future.”

The “Poisonous Pedagogy” exalts obedience as its highest value. Following obedience are orderliness, cleanliness and the control of emotions and desires. Children are considered “good” when they think and believe the way they are taught to think and behave. The author Cecil G.Osborne of the book “The Art of Learning to Love Yourself” also thought the parental “Put-Downs” did permanent damage to children. From hundreds of counselees Osborne had heard parent “put-downs,” Osborne asked some of them to list the ones that they resented most. In here, I’ll list them as follows:

Parent: Don’t interrupt me! I’m talking.   Child: So you are. I’m sorry; but how about the ten thousand times you’ve interrupted me?………….

Parent: Do it now. Right now. I tell you.   Child: All right, all right! But why when I ask you for something, you nearly always say , “Wait a minute, I’m busy,” or ……….

Parent: Wait till your father gets home!    Child:  Yeah. I’ve heard that one before! It’s about five hours until he gets home,  and meanwhile I have to live under a big black cloud of fear………

Parent: God doesn’t love you when you’re bad.  Child: Bad? Am I bad? Does God love me when I’m good and get mad at me—like you do—when I make a mistake? ……

Parent: Look at those grades!  Child: Keep on looking till you see if you can figure out why they’re so rotten. I’ll tell you. Kids all want to learn. It’s built into us; but with you two quarreling and threatening to split up, you’ve got my nerves all shot. I just can’t concentrate………

Parent: Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about.  Child: All right, if you say so. I have no other choice. So what I’ll do is this: I’ll bury my hurt and grief and anger, bury it so deep no one will ever know what I’m feeling………

Parent: You must respect your parents.  Child: Yeah, why? You don’t respect me! You scream at me, hit me…….

Parent: What I’ve done is ” For your own good!” CHILD: WHAT WILL YOU SAY OR THINK?

Dear all,

Do you feel you are familiar with the above parenting rules? I guess you might be familiar with more than those, right? What were the others? Get them out!  Please don’t get me wrong! I don’t mean to ruin the image of your parent or ask you to disobey your parent. I mean to help you come out of the idealization of the parent, know yourself better, and let your inner child start to get healed. Pray for it! The Holy spirit of God can bring you back to the past and help you figure out where your ancient hurts were and the Lord Jesus will heal your hearts and transform your self-image!

The following articles we’re going to talk about a few addictions, fantasy bond,…  and I’ll also introduce the creative prayer. Please don’t fall behind! Start to follow the Lord Jesus today and let Him do His wonderful work for you!

“I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out…… What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!….”  Romans 7: 18, 24, 25

 

Blessings,

Miriam White

Posted in Christian Inner Child Healing, Christianity, family, God, Health, Holistic Healing, Inner Child Healing, Mental Health, Out of Depression, Parenting, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments

Spanking Makes Aggressive, Depressed Kids? Spanking Linked to Mental Illness, Says Study ——Get Healed by the Lord Jesus for the Shame That Binds You (2)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!……2 Corinthians 5:17  

In the book of “The Family” written by John Bradshaw, mentioned some topics about boundaries and abuse; bonding to violence; and adult children of physical violence, etc. He said as the followings: “Physical violence affects a level of shame second only to sexual abuse. Slapping, jostling, pinching, shoving,….etc. are often done in public. It may be in public places or in front of brothers and sisters or older children. Shame is the feeling of being exposed before you are ready to be exposed. Shame is often associated with being looked at—having eyes on you before you’re ready to be seen. Shame is associated with being caught naked, with your pants down, as it were.” “Bonding to physical violence is perplexing and paradoxical. You would think that trauma of physical violence was so great that the victim would never get near it again. actually the exact opposite is closer to the truth. Being beaten and humiliated are so shaming that the victim’s sense of self-worth diminishes. The more the victims are beaten, the more their self-worth diminishes. The more victims think they are lowly and flawed as human beings, the more their choices diminish. They become bonded to violence.” “The profile of a physically abusing parent includes the following: isolated; poor self-image; lacks sensitivity to others’ feelings; usually physically abused himself; deprived of basic mothering; unmet needs for love and comfort; in denial of problems and the impact of the problems; feels there is no one to turn to for advice; totally unrealistic expectations of children; expects the children to meet his needs for comfort and nurturing; when children fail to meet his needs, interprets this as rejection and responds with anger and frustration; deals with children as if they were much older than they are.”

I’ve received some questions from the viewers in the past days, asking about how they’re able to know whether their inner beings have been healed and transformed yet. My answer is when your INNER CHILD dare face the offenders and encounter with them, then you may claim the victory. The other asked a specific situation such as when a child ( or a person ) got healed completely, but his parents were still adult children, would their broken relationship be changed and improved? I would say once the inner being of the child ( or the person ) has been strengthened and transformed, he (she ) is definitely free from the bonds, however, the “relationship” refers to two sides at least, it’s not easy  to maintain the good relationship if one side lacks in harmony. Moreover, absolute cooperation from the parents is required when their child ( kid or young adult ) is pursuing for the healing, particularly the kid or young adult lives with the parents and has to face them every day. The absolute cooperation from the parents means the parents are willing to be changed and willing to terminate the dysfunctional family rules.

Thanks for all of your responses and questions which have been sent to my e-mail and comment column, they were very precious and helpful to all the viewers of my site. In here, I’d like to bring up one more significant question from a viewer asking how his belief in the Lord Jesus can be confirmed and assured. Based on the inquiry about the salvation, let’s have a overall checklist of the Christianity doctrine.

1. The existence of God——-Genesis 1:1                                                                                              “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.”

2. The Holy Bible is credible——-2 Timothy 3:16                                                                            “All Scripture is God breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.”

3. Human beings are sinners——-Romans 3:23                                                                        “…..for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,…”

4. The penalty of sin———Romans 6:23                                                                                           “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

5. God loves all the sinners—————-John 3:16                                                                           “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

6. Jesus died for our sins–1 Peter 2:24; the resurrection of Christ—1 Corinthians 15:3-8      “He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree,  so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness ; by His wounds you have been healed.” “For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that He was buried, that He was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures, and that He appeared to Peter, and then to the Twelve, After that, He appeared to more than five hundred of the brothers at the same time, most of whom are still living, though some have fallen asleep. Then He appeared to James, then to all the apostles, and last of all He appeared to me also, as to one abnormally born.”

7. The only Savior——————John 14:6                                                                                         “Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'”

8. Repentance of sinners————-Acts 2:38                                                                                     “Peter replied, ‘Repent and be baptized, every one of you , in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.'”

9. Confess and believe——————Romans 10:9-10                                                                     “That if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead , you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified and it is with your mouth that you confess are saved.”

10. The result of rejection————————John 3:36                                                                 “Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on him.”

As long as you believe in God’s Word, that said, from the checklist 1 through 10, you will be saved. You don’t have to be baptized before the assurance of the salvation. You don’t have to read the whole book of Holy Bible in order to get the salvation. You don’t have to wait until you become good to get the salvation from the Lord. The Lord Jesus is waiting to save you just right now!

Dear friends, if you’re willing to believe in Jesus and accept Him to be your Lord and only Savior now, or anybody who had doubts before, might be not clear about if you were saved yet, but now you know you need Jesus to save you, to be your Lord and Savior, to guide you for the rest of your life, please follow me together to pray to God and ask Jesus to come into your hearts just right now!

“Dear God, I admit I’m a sinner. I believe Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, died for our sins and resurrected the third day. I need Jesus to save me and forgive my sins. Dear Jesus, I invite you to come into my heart now, forgive my sins, and be my Savior and Lord to guide me for the rest of my life. Thank you for your forgiveness and salvation. Thank you for listening to my prayer in the name of the Lord Jesus. Amen!”

Congratulations! Now, you’re children of God. “Yet to all who received Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God…” ( John 1:12) Being the children of God, you have received the gift of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit dwells in you. I’d also like to encourage you to join the local church, and learn to follow Jesus as His disciples with brothers and sisters in God’s kingdom. Through the interaction in the church community, you will learn further about Jesus as your Lord, and experience His love more as the Living God. However, please do not expect everyone in the church to be perfect. Christians are saved sinners. They are on the way of being molded and transformed. Please also note that not all churches conform to the Christianity doctrine as they assert they do. Be sure to take heed when you proceed.

I felt very very sad to hear from my son that his friend’s parents divorced this week. Poor  kid. I just can’t convey my feelings in words. The kid also mentioned his mom might punch him whenever he got the lower score on the math test before. He thought playing in the video games would be his best hideout for escaping from his parents’ disputation. He did play outrageous amount of time on video games every day and that made his parents even mad of him. I’m praying the Gospel can reach to this broken family, especially the young man. May the Lord save them and heal their wounded hearts.

Long time ago, I felt myself scared of being closer to God, as my Heavenly Father. I didn’t resolve the struggle for a period time until I figured out God, the Heavenly Father is the prototype of  our parents. Thus, the relationship between us with our parents made the major impact on the relationship between us with God. As the youngest child at my home, my father loved me, his youngest daughter, and never scolded a bit since my birth. However, my parents had much disputation every day just like some other families did. A lot of time, my mother told me how my father hurt her, how weak and incapable he was, and how much she wanted to break with him.

Dear all, had you ever felt an obstacle somehow standing between you and God, and you just didn’t know where the block came from to keep you away to know the Heavenly Father and believe in Him? Maybe you had been one of the children of the Heavenly Father for a long time, but you just couldn’t completely trust in His power, love, and holiness. Had you ever thought that only when you did something good or even better, then God would love you? Maybe you just couldn’t believe God is love and He loves YOU. In the book of “The Faces of God”, the author James D. Hamilton wrote how the world, the people, and the parents would twist the real image of God and how we developed different and false FACES of God through the perspectives from the world, the people, and our parents.

“The affect of shame is important because no effect is more disturbing to the self, none more central for the sense of identity.” said Gershan  Kaufman

Some people think that shame can lead to the most destructive emotional sickness of self a person can live. It is destructive and if unchecked can ultimately kill us. A person says, “I am a mistake–everything I do is flawed and defective.” Another person says, “I made a mistake or a blunder, and I can fix it.” Who do you think has the internalized shame? The former or the latter?  Let me make it clearer for you. When the former person was knocked by his (her) dad or mom, he (she) presumably thought “I deserved it.”

The Lord Jesus can heal the shame that binds you. You should pray the Holy Spirit in you to guide you to relive every event from your past in particular involved in corporal punishment or physical abuse which had occurred and broke your self-esteem. I’d like to say once again that the ancient pains must be relived and can be relieved!

The healing prayer guidelines which have been mentioned on my site before can be applied to many occasions. How to pray for healing the shame that binds you and how to complete the healing through repentance and forgiveness, please check my posts dated 08/22/12 ( Steps 1-4 ) and 09/16/12 ( question 5 and the steps 1-7. ) Just feel free to let me know when you have questions on how to pray and proceed. May you have the further experience in the healing power of the Lord!

Blessings,

Miriam White

Posted in Christian Inner Child Healing, Christianity, corporal punishment, God, Holistic Healing, Inner Child Healing, Marriage, Mental Health, Out of Depression, Parenting, Physical abuse, Psychotherapy, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment